On Being an Introvert
I always thought I was an extrovert until a Sister of Mercy who was also a psychologist gave me the Meyers Briggs test in my mid-twenties. It was part of a training, I can’t remember what for. Before she gave us the full results, she lined people up in the class in the same order in the continuum they tested. I was the most introverted out of about 25 people. I had tested as introverted as one can test. I was shocked and confused.
At the time, I was leading a comprehensive plan outreach for the second largest city in San Diego County. The neighborhood workshops I held were attended by around 300 people. I had put myself through college with competitive speaking. I had performed on stages in front of literally thousands of people. I never considered myself a party person – but speaking and leading efforts with lots of people defined much of my life.
Famous Introvert Jimmy Carter - We share the same birthday - October 1st
What I learned was that introversion was not about whether you could do the above mentioned things, but how you dealt with stress and where you are most comfortable. I am energized by time alone. I could be a Trappist hermit. I have spent 30 days alone. It’s my idea of heaven. My friend Sherri doesn’t like to spend 15 minutes doing nothing. I can meditate for hours and think this is heaven if I can carve out space to do such a thing. My favorite vacation is at a Carmelite monastery in southern Colorado where I spend weeks in a hermitage praying, reading, doing my art work and walking in the desert.
On the other hand, cocktail parties with more than ten people are my definition of hell. If I don’t know any of the ten people, its hell with less than ten people. My daughter Mariah can show up at a party of 200 people she’s never met and have a wonderful time. The thought of it makes me overwrought. Before going to such a torturous affair, I always have made a plan to meet the social obligation and then get out as fast as I can.
Small talk is baffling to me. Why would anyone think it is interesting? As a coping mechanism, I’ve developed small talk, but I’m awkward at it and I think I come off as irrelevant, boring and oafish when I try and be social. I’ve been criticized so much for being quiet in groups that I’m not sure if I should go back to that or continue the unskilled jabbering. Aargghh…
I recently had a job where I was in a cubicle with everyone else. This is the first time I’ve not had a closed shell office since i was 24. My chair back was to the entrance of the office. I would go home every day a wreck. Being in that position was a moment by moment major stress.
If I have something to do, some service to perform, I can be in situations where there are a lot of people that I don’t know. But if I just have to be, well give me the hermitage.
I make myself be social. When I first got to my latest job, I joined a chorale group and an orchestra. But the job proved so stressful, that adding the stress of being in a big group at night was too much. I quit all the extra curricular activities and hid out at home when I wasn’t at work. I took long drives and hiked alone. This has been a year of severe introvertion.
Both my boys are introverts. Ansel reminds me of Steve Martin, also an introvert. He can get up on a stage in front of hundreds of people, speak or act and have people laughing so hard they are in tears. And, some of our biggest struggles have been getting him to go places where he didn’t know anyone. He’s better now because he knows his default is to be always alone and he makes himself go out and be with others, just like I do. Devin is also an introvert. He has been the lead singer in a indie band. Go figure. Poor Mariah, she liked hanging out with us, but had to get out of the house often. We were boring for her.
With my move to Tucson, I’ll be among friends. A community of like minded people. This feels like the promised land.
Thursday, I fly to Japan with 17 other people, two of who I know – the rest I don’t know. I think I’ll be ok. But I’ll probably be quiet!
